It is a time to zoom out
Pull back away from the mundane
All the time we try to be somebody else.
Even approaching the writing for this podcast
I come to freeze up sometimes
Does anyone even care to hear about this?
What if I am too random, too sporadic?
I admit, I write and record this podcast as much for me as anybody else. But I do hope that it’s felt.
My goal is to give energy, to get people to express themselves more.
We try to be somebody else, the one we think others will accept. We wake up and put on this mask, the one we have learned to make. Showing who we really are hurts too much, I did that before when I was younger, learned my lesson never to do that again. Can anyone go back to who they were before being hurt? Emotionally damaged in whatever way life chooses. It’s not hard or easy, it just is. life just is. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will set yourself free.
What are expectations for a desired outcome?
I had expectations too, thoughts of how I saw my life going and that set myself up to be depressed. Anxious when I wasn’t working on my goal, unable to savor the flavor of the sauce on the table that someone else made for me. How did I have the audacity not to eat it all?I was full, should I eat more than that?
I try to be kind at all times, but the universe doesn’t work that way.
“Life’s not fair!”
Life’s not fair?
Star blows up
Implodes in on itself with a gravity so strong it pulls in everything in sight, including life.
Our very own star, that small white giant will one day die, nothing lasts forever, change is incessant, nonstop, consistently inconsistent, random, chaotic, but life’s not fair?! Get smacked in the face by an asteroid as you just sit there, you don’t even see it coming, it happens so fast, and the asteroid just is, nothing more, nothing less, it’s just a mineral rock flying through space and you happened to be in it’s way. The virus is killing people, but what are the people killing? What is your view of a gnat? You stepped on that ant and instantaneously crushed it’s entire body, what say you of that? Don’t even hesitate, “oh you stupid hippie! We have heard that before, act all almighty, fucking idiot, I do as I please, you can’t tell me – what to do, I am free!”
Life just is. I know I am grateful to see another day, grateful to record another episode, even if this one may be short.
I have had a long week, emotionally, physically. Stress is a silent killer. We all do the best we can with it, try to handle it in the best way possible. One crazy inhale in, one chaotic exhale out at a time.
I have been trying.
Trying. That is what I have been doing. Trying my best, frustrated that it hasn’t been enough. Why am I not at the level I want to be? What am I not doing right? Where have I failed?
I hold myself to a high standard of performance each and every day, but it never seems to be enough. On the corner of doing too much and not doing enough, who else will I see here?
Scream into a pillow, what the fuck! Bite my lip, blood swims through me as I flip the switch, storm brew counterclockwise, heartbeat starts to rise up to test my chin, hit me again and again, I woke up again so did I win? What happened in the past I forget! Future pushes down on my right shoulder and throws my lower back out, can’t even stand to sit – down any longer, been so long since I ate I lost my hunger, another vowel I can’t afford, in the smashed concrete a weed grew and next door there was a flower, look how beautiful, you try to touch it but there is a fence, stay out with the rest you sickly little pest, what’s your name, bam! Hit by a bus, tomorrow forgotten cause yesterday, CAUSE YESTERDAY he was too afraid to get out there, cause yesterday he wasn’t focused on the day, he was focused on silly mind games, word play like what’s not happening today, what’s not right in front of my face the whole time, living in past disgrace not realizing right now is an infinitely passing phase, gone without a trace, what phase is the moon in?
I don’t know, haven’t looked at it in a while so it ceased to exist, just like this present moment, I am too busy trying to own the future and settle in the past, not seeing the present for a present, cause yesterday I was he who wasn’t focused on the day, cause yesterday I was too afraid, cause yesterday I was focused on silly mind games thinking concepts like past and future are real, that they would actually exist on Neptune, that they are words that can pass through a Black Hole, words that Aliens would know, but they don’t, it’s an illusion based in mankind, who has the time? those who own the capital own the time, now get in line! We are the ones paying you a shekel for your time, do as your told, don’t try to rhyme, you are here to grind! You are worthless if you are not producing, not doing something.
Just because you are doing something doesn’t mean you are doing something. Where will we be when our giant white starry sun dies?
We have to get off this planet and explore more.
I went through a rough week and had a bad day, where I was really frustrated and had just one too many obstacles. Why did the straw break the camel’s back? The million other straws underneath it. Was one too many straws for me and I felt like I collapsed. But as I did, as yet another panic attack came and went, and my entire body clenched, every muscle in my body flexed, I felt like the forest after a fire. Everything burned to a crisp, all the old trees of yesterday burned so that the seeds of tomorrow can break through the ground, giving rise to new life, life that will carry on into the infinite right now!
The day after this emotionally charged episode, it was like a day of clarity. I felt free. The weight that was weighing on my mind, the anxiety I had, the harsh self criticism that I try each and every day to redirect, to harness the energy of, that incessant beast who haunts my sleep, into my unconscious mind it creeps, why the fuck won’t you just kill me? – because torturing you for a lifetime is part of the fun.
What do I want to do when it’s all said and done?
I try everything, time and time again, I feel like I am always learning something new, but what is it that I am the top 5% in the world at doing? What is it that I am best at? What is it that I am most passionate about?
I am most passionate about self expression, and that has taken many forms – writing, painting, animating, live streaming, 3D art. But there are only 24 hours in a day. Say it take 10,000 hours to become a master at something, that is years. And that’s 10,000 of diligent heavy concentration, not just half ass paying attention and doing half ass work, that is 10,000 hours of deep focus. Say you do 40 hours a week of this, which is really a lot as I am only talking about time that is really going to develop you in mastering your craft, in reality it’s probably 50-60 hours but only 40 of those would count towards this. So 40 is really a lot, many don’t have that kind of time to devote to mastering that craft, as we all have obligations to keep a roof over our head and food in our bellies. But for the sake of argument at 40 hours a week, that is almost 5 years to master that craft, many would say 10 years.
And even then, it’s never-ending with art, you don’t get to a level and just stop – that would mean stagnation, and for a creative that is a form of death.
But to really master it. And so from this perspective, I looked at the question of how I want to spend my time. What effect do I want to have on those around me.
I think of future humans/and or other species from this planet that will be traveling thousands of years into space. What will keep them company on these journeys?
What keeps us company on this planet? We have art, television shows, youtube, social media.
I think all of that will still be relevant on these journeys. Why would we want them to not have personalities, and to have sympathetic behaviors, empathetic behaviors, one would need to have some form of entertainment no? something to occupy the mind. That is what I am creating for.
I am getting back to my creative roots which for me, is writing. That is where it all stems from. Writing. And since I can’t devote all of my time to my passion right now as I too have obligations, I have to be really diligent with my time.
And that next day when I decided what I was going to limit myself too, and I know to be limitless, but harnessing that energy, that universal energy flowing through me takes a lot of effort and concentration, to let it go without direction, it has felt like the wheels are spinning in the mud, not getting anywhere, or just getting there at a slower pace. I will still do what I have in my mind, of taking Bleace to the next level, of wanting to do an animated film, but I can’t get there all at once, I have to build it brick by brick.
This podcast has pushed me to write and read more. It’s been so satisfying doing these episodes. I do hope I don’t sound redundant in these episodes. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to talk about and if I go in too many different directions it may not be suitable for listeners. This is the mind of a creative, it goes from one thing to another instantaneously, everything is everything, everything relates to another in this universe, it’s going further, it’s stretching out the mundane, it’s jumping off this planet and going to the next, it going beyond the everyday.
An explosion of energy under the pale moonlight, beautiful moonlight, look at that face, how it shines in the night sky, drinking red wine not thinking about the time, hold my hand and I can’t help but hold yours, so soft and gentle in the freshly cut green grass, not a sound, ten miles to the nearest town, love and adoration have collided on this mound, subtle vibrations from your soothing moan, so many years the tension between sun and moon, cylindrical dance, lightly giving chase, every once in a while their paths eclipse, a light touch of the plump lips, hands grip the waist of the faded jeans, does the moon exist if you don’t look at it? The sun grazes the face of the moon, always thinking of her no matter how far. Opportunity, take you faster than a shooting star, Hurry don’t wait, for this opportunity will not wait, Opportunity is a fast car, get in while the door’s ajar, take you further than that shooting star, hurry you’re hurt but what’s the harm?
Do you feel the vibration from my adoration of special dimensions and everything in between, people come and go, feelings flee like the feather of a bird’s wing, nothing has meaning without the frontal cortex, language I speak now is code someone else had to teach. Words implanted in my brain without my consent, too young to protest, why haven’t you studied for your test yet? You better know all the answers, don’t forget!
School bus hit by a train. Life just is, it’s constant, apply whatever manmade words you want to it, won’t stop it from expanding at an ever-increasing pace. What does that stressor have to do with anything? You were heartbroken yesterday, what does that have to do with what you do today? You woke up today, with that simple act you are already more resilient than the day before, if you choose to see it!
Choose to see the best parts of yourself and learn to love your flaws.
I will leave you with that simple little message.
And if this my last episode ever, and one of these times that will be true, so I want to say it now, because if not now, when? But I just want to say before I go, one last thing and if it’s the last thing I ever say I want it to be this -