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Episode 9 – Why Write?

I go to bed late, I wake up early before my alarm on days that I am going to record this podcast. There is just this universal energy surging through me. Part of it comes from the fact that I really don’t know where I am going to take the next episode.

I just get so excited on the day that I am going to record this podcast.

This universal energy, lets me know that I am doing the right thing for my soul. For my reason of being here in this moment. I have to do other things to keep the lights on as they say, which is a different part of me that I do actually enjoy. I love turning dreams into reality for others, life long passion of mine that I don’t ever see going away even if my own art was keeping the lights on for me. The work is still art that I am creating, but they are creations for others, blessed and grateful to be able to say that. 

But on days that I am going to sit down and solely concentrate on this podcast, this one passion project that I am doing this year. In the limited time that I have to devote to my own passion, focusing it all on this, trying my best not to sway in other directions, but just focus on this one thing, on this one point in this conjuncture of my life. I feel it coursing through my veins the night before. I get so amped up and ready to go, to fly off this planet, to delve into dreams, leaving reality back there, locked in it’s cell.

I am concurrently writing my third book as I do this Podcast, which I am but it certainly isn’t a traditional book by any measure. One chapter won’t lead into the next, but that’s life, each day is uniquely different, never quite the same even if you have the same routine everyday, even if you don’t even leave your living space, it will be just slightly different than the day before. It will be, just slightly different than you planned.

 

@bleacenft Why Write? Who has time to write? In the latest episode of the Indefatigable Artist Podcast I give some good reasons and mental health benefits of writing. #IndefatigableArtist #MetaPartyVibes #Author #MotivationMonday ♬ Einaudi: Nuvole Bianche - Ludovico Einaudi

 

Why write? 

To take flight. To take this once blank page and sculpt it with tiny symbolic meanings, chiseling away, hoping to get others to see this abstraction. To capture a moment in time, to be able to look back and know where you where coming from.

In this hamster wheel, over and over again, on this one singular planet, for the rest of our lives. Maybe it’s too frustrating to think about, that’s why people just put their head downs and try to make themselves feel important with inanimate objects. I love writing, but writing will never love me back. I can love all of the characters I create, but they will never love me back. Can anything or anyone love you the way you love them? 

I write, even if no one else were to read it. I do wish it weren’t ever deleted, that it would remain after I am dust in the wind, but the act of writing itself, that’s the juice for me. The act in and of itself is enough for me. It was writing when I first felt that wave of Bleace surge through my body.

Bleace is turning potential energy into kinetic energy. That feeling when you have worked on a project for so long and finally being comfortable enough to say that I am done. I am going to let it go on it own, and in that instant see it take a life of it’s own. It’s now something that lives outside of you. It’s like giving life to something. I truly see my novels as my children, especially since I don’t have any of my own. If I were to cease living tomorrow, it would be my novels that are left behind, along with all of the other pieces of art that I have created.

I am just on another level now, reaching new heights, really finding my work flow with this podcast, the words seem to be coming to me easier now. I am able to find this flow state and really lock in to what I am doing. My presence is fully here, I am fully invested into this, giving everything I have. When I am done recording, I am usually so worn out, I still push through to create social media content for the episode, as again, a one man band here. I do the recording, I do the editing and all of the social media promotion for it. I love it, but it is a process. Then at night I try to do a stream on Twitch or a Twitter Space. By Friday night, I am collapsing.

I give it my all this entire day, roaring 100 mph. trying to give so much energy through this fucking microphone that anyone who hears my voice can feel it. That they can feel inspired to leave something behind, maybe it isn’t writing, maybe it’s just an impression on someone. Maybe it’s realizing you can be felt by others, that you can make a last impression on them, so that they will remember you, maybe you say something to them at just the right moment, where they remember you and pass what you said along to someone else. Hey that person at the cross walk looked at me and said, you are you and there is no one else who could possibly do what you do and you are seen, you are heard, you are valued, you matter, the odds of you being here in this moment, right here, right now are so infinitesimally small, all the planets, all the stars literally in our galaxy, what is inside of you right now can be found light years away, do you know how far away that is? don’t get caught up in all of these illusions that we have placed on ourselves. What really matters at the end of it all? I would say, the energy that you give, the energy that you share with others, that simple impression you leave on a strangers life. Pay It Forward. Do it just to do it. Pay for someone behind you in the drive through, tell the cashier to tell them to pay it forward, you’re affecting not only the person behind you in line, but the cashier too who will undoubtedly be surprised by the gesture. Don’t have to post about it, don’t make a video about it, those only serve to feed your ego. A true pay it forward moment in one that no one else knows about except you and that person as no one else needs to know. That energy then reverberates through the universe. Some call this Karma, whatever you label it, it’s a powerful energy shared. Of course that is just one example from something that I may or may not have done, it’s just a gesture that can be easily done in every day life. Nothing too big, nothing too small, get imaginative with it, think of something uncommon to do for a stranger, someone completely unknown to you, ask for nothing else but to Pay It Forward.

Love that movie by the way, really had a profound effect on me watching that at such a young age. Especially that ending seen. It makes the viewer, what’s really important when you are breathing your last breath? It’s giving all you can, while you can. No one knows when they will take that last breathe. Some people get told they only have a certain amount of time left. You have 6 months to live. What do you do with that information? They will tell you it’s just an estimate, what if 6 months to live was 6 months ago, and you’re still here, then what?

Since my heart surgery, that is how I have tried to live. Like each day is my last day. I have said it before in previous episodes, that my life as an artist is for the first time feeling complete. Now that I have both novels written, both audiobooks recorded and edited and now putting out a podcast episode every week, I feel complete as an artist for the first time in my life. Which, for me, someone who feels like an art piece or project is never quite done, it’s never quite the way I want it, says a lot about this feeling. I am comfortable and it’s all because of writing. That’s where it starts for me. Writing.

So why write? To bring my soul some peace of mind. You feeling depressed? Write it out. Feeling anxious about tomorrow? Tomorrow never gets here, write it out.

What’s the worst that can happen?

If that happens, then what?

You will fucking handle it because you are strong enough to withstand any fucking thing that this one planet can throw at you. Yes you can. So fucking what if that fucking worry of yours happens. You woke up today, with that simple act you are already more resilient than the day before, I am here to make you see that shit! I am here to rub your fucking nose in your fucking greatness as a human being. To make you see how infinite it can be. If you are feeling worthless, powerless, that’s all the more reason to write. Live in this world of your own imagination.

 

Now to a few dreams I wrote down. Just to show, that you can start by simply writing anything. These are just random dreams I had. Written January 15, 2020. Right before my first trip to Europe in March. Where we flew into Paris. I had plans to Visit Italy and be in Venice for my 30^th birthday. I even made reservations at a restaurant there, where I was going to be on the water, watching the sunset. Well, we all know what happened. I did make it to Paris, I was going to risk it all and go to Venice as that has been a life long dream of mine to go, but last minute, while in Paris, I switched my entire trip around – not easy to do when you are already in the middle of a trip. Anyway here is a dream writing I had before leaving, dream writings are very random and sporadic. It’s really me either going on my phone notes or going directly on my computer to write down as much as I can remember, a lot of these images go way so fast that I have found it vital to write as fast as I possibly can before those images dissipate into another dimension.

 

@bleacenft Some Sunday Poetry written and narrated by yours truly #SundayVibes #PoetryLover #MetaPartyVibes #Narrator ♬ Lunatic's Words - R. Lannom

 

For me dreams are going into another dimension of the human experience. One true psychological, philosophical, mathematical definition of what dreams are, as I know it, does not exist, so we are still left to wonder. I do wonder if we will ever know what dreams really are or where these images come from. Some are from memory, what we have experienced, sure, and can be tied in various ways to our experience, there may be no true inspiration that is soley ours, we have this collective consciousness as a species having all lived on the same planet for so long together. But I like to think that dreams are a way of us living in another dimension of reality, another experience that another part of our brain lives in. we dream every night but we can’t remember them always, some say they have never remembered a dream, which is so fascinating to me. How can that be? I have always had prodound moments in my sleep, there is something out there, something there. Sometimes I know that I am dreaming and look to explore even more, trying to get real close to the details, even the danger, let things devour me if they please, let anything happen. Dive all in. but that is one thing I haven’t been able to do is dream my own death nad certainly have had those dreams as well, where right when the moment happens, I wake up and am back here in Reality. Maybe I do die in that dream and the death is what wakes me up? May be I die in that dimension of reality.

 

@bleacenft Get Lost in a Book and Keep It Trippy! #readacrossamerica #WorldBookDay #TrippyVisuals #Author ♬ Day 'N' Nite - Crookers Remix - Kid Cudi

 

Energy cannot be created or destroyed only transformed. We don’t remember the moments before we were born do we? Why not? What was happening before that? When do we become conscious? When we become self aware? When we can see ourselves in the mirror? Whne we learn about Object permenance? Is an object permanent? Quantum physics has something to argue about that.  A tree falls, and there is nothing to measure it, no ear drum to vibrate, does it make a sound? Is the moon there if you’re not looking at it?

I love the lingering questions about dreams, something that has always been the story of humanity really. As has writing and leaving something behind. What made the cavemen or cave women paint? To leave their mark? Marks that are still with us. Upon looking this up:

The cave paintings were created between 43,000 and 65,000 years ago, 20,000 years before modern humans arrived in Europe. In 2018, researched announced the discovery of the oldest known cave paintings, made by Neanderthals at least 64,000 years ago, in the Spanish caves of La Pasiega, Maltravieso and Ardales.

 

 

 

7 weeks from then. March 2020. The moment everything changed. Unprecedented became the norm. Wild reading this back now, over 3 years later.

There are so many reasons to write, I feel I have only scratch the surface in this episode. I will definitely hit on this more in future episodes as there is a lot to unpack here. As always I try to make it from my own history, my own perspect and how I have applied it to my life. I am not just preaching at this moment. I am practicing. I am saying this for me to listen to as others. Any motivation I give, is motivation I use to fuel myself up on days where I feel worthless. On days I have wanted to end it myself. On days where I feel I have no one else to talk to. 

If it weren’t for writing, of that release of frustration. I would most certainly not be here right now. I most certainly would not. It was writing that changed everything for me. It was Bleace, that night I woke up from that dream in 2009 and knew in that moment I was going to set off on this path. I didn’t know where it would lead me, but I had to do it. It was writing that allowed me to look into my own past, realize what was in my control and what wasn’t. once I realized that I simply can’t control everything, that I can only control how I react to a situation, how I will respond, that was the moment I realized I could make a change going forward. Sure it hasn’t been perfect, but what the fuck is perfection anyway? No one is fucking perfect, but it was writing that made me act with more intention in my life.

I was intent on leaving something behind. That I am not going to put out that negativity towards other people. That I may not be strong enough, or feel like I am strong enough for others, but maybe if I share my vulnerabilities that it may be enough for someone else. I can face those vulnerabilities. And that is because of writing. Plain and simple. Writing has made me more resilient. It’s been an outlet of anger, frustration, sadness, embarrassment, shame, and a way to release all of my vulnerabilities and face them and say, so fucking what? What now? Go Further. Release those fucking shackles those emotions have on you and live the way you want to fucking live as long as you don’t harm anyone, physically or emotionally. 

And that is what I hope this podcast does for others.

Let us Go Further. One Step at a Time.

Check out the Bleace Audio Hub for links to both audiobooks and poetry albums!