Incredible that there is so much to discover about the universe and yet here we are in 2023 and still committing war crimes. We are one race doing this, no one person to blame, it’s on all of us as one race. Zoom out, zoom way way way out. Imagine observing us like you would observe animals at the zoo. If one person is doing it, society is doing it. I think if we start internalizing these issues more instead of otherizing, more will get done. Keep saying they are doing this, he is doing that, I am doing this. How about we are all doing this or that.
We are born from this planet, this planet was created from this galaxy, this galaxy was formed from this universe. ZOOM OUT!
Take a deep breathe. What really matters? What is the sun doing while you're having a panic attack? A panic attack over what? What is causing this much stress on your life. Stress, the silent killer coursing through your veins like a venomous snake, coiling around your heart, sucking the air out of your lungs through it’s fangs, scales scraping the muscles in your throat, what matters so much in this moment, won’t matter in the next when you’re dead.
Take a deep breathe. Know that there is nothing in this life that should cause that much stress. It’s all made up. Have to remind myself, don’t take life too seriously you won’t make it out alive anyway. I try to laugh at least once a day, natural not forced or from watching TV. Just random and it can be from a thought, Alan Watts says we should regard everything as play. Play in the here and now.
I like to fidget a lot and my therapist noticed this one time when I was fidgeting with a pen after writing something. She told me that the object grounds me in the now. It’s tangible, it’s here, that my thoughts are going off in the future or in the past, and the fidgeting keeps me here. It made me think of the pieces in the movie Inception, the object that only they can hold that tells them if they are dreaming or not.
And the mind is constantly wandering. It’s like trying to empty the ocean with a teacup to quote buddha there.
It’s an incessant practice, every single day.
But over time, you can start to pick up on your habits in how you choose to react to different situations, it’s all on perspective.
“Oh that’s just how I am. That’s how I’ve always been”
Fixed mindset. It’s like no, you learned that behavior, it became who you are be continued choice to wake up and be that way again today.
“Oh don’t do that, that will piss him off.”
Unless it’s your life on the line, no matter what someone does to you, it shouldn’t get you to act in anger. It can make you angry, yes, you can feel that adrenaline coursing through your veins. I feel it too. I do get worked up when I am driving, I try to remain calm, but these fuckin’ drivers I swear, they test the limits. I try now not to act in that anger, deep breathe, and by act in anger, I mean screaming and yelling, giving the finger anything like that. Those are all choices I am making, I could also choose to laugh, to see it all as one crazy game that everyone is trying to play, the game of get there, get there, gotta get there, wait until I get there, you just wait until I get there, I am going to get there and I am going to get there before you because I am going to cut you off so that I can get there before you, because getting there is all I think about day and night, I am going to get there, and once I get there then I gotta get there, and there, ooo yea, there, I am going to go there and when I get there, there will be happiness to get, that is where happiness lives, happiness lives there, over there is happiness, it certainly isn’t here, happiness has to be over there, so I gotta get there, get there, get there and once I get there, I am going to soak up all the happiness, drink it to the last drop until it’s gone and it goes so fast, the happiness never lasts, that’s why I gotta get there, over there, and then there and there.
Destination happiness. It’s always somewhere you’re not. It’s always found in something you don’t currently have. It’s a trick. Fulfillment and joy are found within. Truly. It’s in perception. However, it’s easier to trick someone than it is to tell them they have been tricked. Consumerism. Something I talk about extensively and metaphorically in the Bleace novels with the Parasuckers who incessantly suck on inanimate objects, live off purses and shoes, they will suck them right off you!
Talk about staying in the present moment. That is what happens when I am writing for this podcast, I just go with the flow, wherever it leads. These are momentary glimpses. Day in the life portraits of a multimedia artist living in the 21st century.
This week my mind is focused on my first 24 hour Live Stream on Twitch. Starting Saturday 9pm EST until Sunday 9pm EST, I will be Live, exploring various virtual builds, doing some Poetry Reading, book readings, talking to different creators during the open forum Twitter Space. Looking to have different builders and digital fashion designers in the space talking about their latest works, as well as different artists in the space who create in any medium.
For example at 11pm we will have an Art Chat with nonother than GlitchK4T, miss Kay Four Tee. She creates so many cool pieces, has a huge variety in her body of work, all hand drawn pieces. At 11am, we are going to Serena Elis’ build for some digital fashion and web 3 music! The twitter space will feature some great frens from Decentraland, Mona and Spatial metaverse platforms. I will also be exploring different metaverse platforms, including for the first time on stream, Roblox and Sandbox plus HyperFy, going to try and go to all the ones I know at some point during the stream. We have 24 full hours to hang out, there is a lot I can get into. At 4pm EST, I will be talking to Argent, who I met and made a video of on the Bleace YouTube Channel, go check that out as what she is doing is amazing, on multiple metaverse platforms, so really looking for to talking with her more!
I am finishing off this 24 hours with another Twitter Space with Shark Anthony during his tri-weekly Night Swim space.
And during times when I have to get up and eat, take Ranger outside for his walks etc, I will be playing some new meditative animations with LoFi Girl playing in the background. There will not be a dull moment in these 24 hours, that I will promise you. I hope with the help of frens that I can get through these 24 hours. This is my first time trying this and I do not know what to fully expect. But I am going to try my hardest and will certainly be there for all of those obligations I have made to others! no, I should be good. I am going to rest all day Saturday leading up to the stream at 9. Will probably go to the gym a little bit before to get the blood moving a bit. Funny watching how many videos there are about what you need to know going into a live stream, what to prepare for etc. will watch some more of those, but going to get some snacks and stuff, should be good to go. I look forward to this experience. The reason I am doing it, is the fact that I am not a Twitch Affiliate. I want to prove myself here and show others that I do take this seriously. I am just so grateful to be doing this, I have sacrificed a lot, a lot of time, all my extra money getting put back into this, into my craft, all of my extra time, all of the times I said no to going out or doing this or that to focus, of not being able to spend time with others because you are working on your life’s passion. Saying yes to one thing, means saying no to another.
I do feel that Streaming – however not planned at all in any way shape or form – life seems to have made it work out that way. Sometimes it may not all work out how you thought, or planned – universe laughs mockingly at the word, at the concept- how can you plan? You can’t it’s living with a perception that doesn’t exist yet, it’s not as simple as chess. It’s way more dynamic, live in the here and now and address problems as they arise, don’t worry too much about the future it will come soon enough.
It's to say, that I am being water, I am going with the flow. At times in this creative journey I have felt lost, frustrated as I tried to swim against the current because I was determined to get there, to get there, over there, I have to get there, get there, get there, oh I am going to get there, because that is where I need to be! I have seen it, I know it, I am supposed to be there, and I am supposed to be there by a certain time too! I am going to work tirelessly to get there.
This being Episode 27, I think of the 27 club. Those artists who all died at the age of 27. I remember learning about the 27 club when Amy Winehouse passed away. I was 17 at the time and did a deep dive of all of the artists who passed away at 27, I already knew of Jim Morrison. Then I saw Hendrix and Joplin. Heath Ledger had just turned 28 when he passed away, that one hit me hard too but nothing like losing Amy Winehouse. I was devastated. Truly. I secretly loved her music and played it all of the time. I say secretly as I was afraid to get picked on for listening to her. But her voice soothed me in some of my darkest days. My most depressed days, days that I thought of ending it all myself, what was the point?
And as I continued on in life, I actually thought, I had dreams of dying, well to the point of dying anyway, then I would wake up. But I too thought that I would die at 27. I tried so hard to get my books done before that year. Tried to get a lot done that year actually. Was the first year under the new presidency and there was a lot of change occurring, a lot of past being brought up, bullies were coming back into my life and I felt I had to fight. Fight or flight, I was angry, I was stressed, I was unhinged. I thought this was it, I had dreams of it, waking up just before my face hits the pavement.
That was 6 years ago now. I am still analyzing that time in my life. Try not to spend too much time on it, it came and went. 30 took it’s toll on me mentally and made me forget the stress of 27. Again, I had in my mind, I should have this and that done. I should have gotten there by now, look how hard I have been working. All of the sacrifices I have made.
The heart surgery changed everything for me.
It put it all into perspective.
I died in that room and came out born anew. Ryan died and Bleace is alive. At most I am R. Lannom. Ryan no longer resides in my mind as wild as that may be to hear for some. But we adapt and change or we die. I chose to change, to adapt. It hasn’t occurred overnight and it’s been a daily practice, one that I have been working on for 3 years now. I try to get better in my practice each and every day.
And if this my last episode ever, and one of these times that will be true, so I want to say it now, because if not now, when? But I just want to say before I go, one last thing and if it’s the last thing I ever say I want it to be this -