Incessantly Spinning

That is what it feels like as a multimedia artist. Lost in the woods with a compass that is incessantly spinning. I think of Jack Sparrow when he holds the compass that is supposed to point in the direction of what he wants most and when he is on that deserted island, he doesn’t know what he wants.

 

 

With seemingly an endless list of directions I could go in, writing, recording, designing graphics, video editing, animation, 3D modeling, virtual reality building, live streaming etc. I want to do it all.

That is all the ground I focus on and any problems are dealt with right here and right now

I don’t think about future problems, they will come soon enough

I don’t think, “what if there is a hole too big to get across up ahead?”

Because out here in the darkness when you can’t see anything in front of you or behind you, sounds instantly come and go, faces pass by never to be seen again, family pet already came and went, remember that day we all wept? Take the next step.

This poem comes from the night I went looking for my dog Woody out in the woods. He had been missing for a few days and we started to get worried. There was this other dog, and mind you this is way out in the country, can’t see your neighbor’s house even, there were times when he would be gone all night long running in the woods, come back the next morning like nothing ever happened.

But this time we were worried as there was a farmer who was shooting at the other dog for chasing his animals out in the field. These are hearding dogs after all and when they get bored they can do some crazy things – we always kept Woody busy for the most part but that other poor dog didn’t have anything to chase. Some had been heard to start hearding humans, biting at their ankles, friend of mine had this happen to his Blue Collar Heeler, which is what Woody was. Woody looked like a coyote as most Blue Heelers do, so the farmer often mistook them as coyotes going after his animals when it was just dogs playing around. 

So when he was missing, on the third day I went looking for him.I went during the day and nothing, so then I decided to go at night.

I went deep into the woods, late at night, I was about 15 or 16 years old maybe younger.

All I had was a flashlight with me. Woody and I were really inseperable, I was with him almost everyday since the day my grandmother had him, we had him trained really good – despite the fact that he ran away for this long – and only time he ever did so.

So I am walking deep into the woods, country dark, pitch black, only light is the stars which in the woods, gets blacked out. Yet I lived in these woods, I knew almost every tree I was in here so much. I rode horses back here, rode the four wheelers back here, camped out here a number of times, huge over 100 acres of woods, nothing but trees and grass. It was an oasis for me during a time of need. I could get away from all of the noise and bull shit I was dealing with. Everyone I knew at the time seemed to just piss me off, years later I would come to the realization that I was choosing to piss myself off through everyone, yes some may have had their own faults but ultimately it was me making the choice in how to react.

But out here in the woods, where it could just be me, or me with my horse, that telepathic four legged majestic animal. I get sentimental thinking of that time in how it was the best thing to happen to me. Life lead me there for a reason and it was the most formative time in my life and one I will never forget. My sub-conscious mind won’t let me. That farm is imprinted into my mind as I dream of that place more than any other. Hundreds of dream writings and so many take place back there.

I went to Michigan last week and there hasn’t been a time since leaving there that I don’t go and drive by that Farm House that was originally built in 1860.

That night looking for my dog, all I had was my flashlight, which about an hour of looking, goes out. A hush, the darkness engulfed me in an instant, it was instantly all around me, blackness chilling down my spine. I closed me eyes and took a scared breath in, gathered my thoughts, these are my fucking woods, if you are here, it is me who you should fear, then I opened them. My eyes adjusted more to dark, I could see only about 10 feet in front of me. But the sound of the coyotes started to get closer and closer. To the point that I could smell the rancid corpses they had been rolling in and eating. When my flashlight when out, I walked towards the edge of the woods and this hay field we had in the back so I could see more using the light from the stars and Mr. Moon who was halfway blessing up with his presence that night.

I was calling out “Woody, heel. Woody, heel.” The command I taught him and he always listened to.

Coyotes were inching closer and closer. 

I saw these two green eyes come sprinting toward me.

I had my steel toe boots on and a heavy duty flash light in my hand.

I have had to fight off a German Shepherd and a Standard Poodle – a big mean Standard about 60 pounds and an aggressive German Shepherd.

In this time, I really was completely unafraid of almost anything. Bullies and People, yea I would cower to them at the time as I was small, but animals for some reason and to this day, I have never feared. Never. I have a connection with them, my little sister Kayla has it even more than I do, it’s incredible how she interacts with animals, but I had that with horses, the baby calf I raised, and Woody.

These green eyes are sprinting toward me. And remind you again, Woody looks almost indistinguishable from a Coyote, especially at a quick glance.

But as these eyes that were sprinting toward me were about 10 feet away, I have me leg back ready to kick, flashlight ready to swing, I see the white dot on Woody’s forehead and I realize it’s him. The coyotes were coming after him for being deep in their territory.

He had gotten into a fight with a coyote before, one that came to Woody’s feeder and I had to assist in getting the coyote out of the shed. Raccoons too, vicious things when they are cornered, unafraid to run straight at you and bite at your legs and feel, grabbing you with their hands as was the case with me walking into the grainary one morning and getting in between a mother and her babies completely unaware, half asleep as it was 6am in the winter hours before the sun would halfway show up for a few minutes.

Woody came right to me, knowing those Coyotes were coming after him, probably one of the same ones he had fought before. Knew his smell, so it was good that I went out that night looking for him, who knows what could have happened. I know by the look on his face that he was glad to see me. He heeled, just as I was commanding and he didn’t come off me the entire way back, we were both glad of that as those coyotes followed us all the way back. Could hear them on all sides, barking at each other, giving commands of their own. They wouldn’t attack a human out here, it would take a close encounter catching them off guard for something like that, but they do go after dogs and other animals and as people continue to build subdivisions out there, taking away their habitat and without a natural predator, coyote population has skyrocketed in the state, think up north they even brought in Wolves to help, which is just crazy to think about, cause what if they get over populated?

That night has crept into many a dream. I have applied it a lot to what I do as an artist. 

I couldn’t see anything around me, and was just focused on that step.

Now the incessant compass comes in and is just a nice touch for how the mind feels as I fidget with a rubber band, thinking and contemplating about the infinite now.

What is it I want?

I want to harness my Bleace and express it. To give that creative energy a positive and progressive outlet. To become more emotionally intelligent as a result of it, to share that experience with others so they can apply it to their life in their own individualistic way. What will you end up creating? Who knows and that’s the beauty of it. 

It’s not destination happiness. It’s not looking out and seeing a place you want to be, how can you see everything about it. You can’t. there is always something waiting in the shadows that you didn’t think of. Just waiting for you, oh you want to be in this place and in this location? You think that is where happiness and fulfillment lie? Well that is a lie, it’s been inside you the whole time, we just disguise it so that more people buy, so that more people try and chase it, for if they stop running so does this manmade economy.

How much does this experience of life cost? Everything, everywhere, all at once, that’s how much.

The only time that exists is right now and it’s infinite.  That is what I saw in those dark woods, that is what I saw when I would run with my horse late at night, I couldn’t see but she could. It was freeing, truly living for each exhilarating breathe at a time, watching the frosty air from my lungs dissipate into the black void. It’s infinite, what could you possibly want in this moment? This moment that you will never get back no matter how hard you try?

And if this my last episode ever, and one of these times that will be true, so I want to say it now, because if not now, when? But I just want to say before I go, one last thing and if it’s the last thing I ever say I want it to be this -